A Girl Just Like Mother
No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother． A friend gave him advice．
“Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her．
So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl．He told his friendly adviser：
“Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother．And just as you said，mother liked her”
“So，”asked the friend，“what happened？”
“Nothing，”said the young man．“My father hates her！”
37．和母親壹樣的女孩
無論帶哪壹個女孩回家，這位青年人總會遭到母親的反對。壹位朋友勸他說：
“找壹個和妳母親壹樣的女孩——那她壹定會喜歡她。”
於是這位青年人不停地找啊找，終於找到了這麽個女孩。
他對他友好的忠告者說：
“正像妳說的那樣，我找到壹個長相、談吐、穿著打扮，甚至連烹飪都和我母親壹樣的女孩。也正像妳說的那樣，我母親喜歡她。”
“那後來呢？”朋友問。
“沒什麽，”青年人說。“我父親討厭她！”
What Is a Traitor？
Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？”
Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”
Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？”
Father：“A convert，my son．”
36．什麽叫叛徒？
有希望的青年人：“父親，什麽叫政治叛徒？”
父親（壹位老資格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另壹個黨的人。”
有希望的青年人：“那麽，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什麽呢？”
父親：“叫改變信仰者。我的兒子。”
Stray Thoughts Of an Idler
He who sleeps catches no fish，—but he who keeps awake catches crabs every moment of his life．
All professions can yield a man enough to live on，—except professions of faith．
When attending the performance of some modern operas，it has struck me that the conductor was only beating time because he could not beat the composer．
If in the sight of the law all men are equal， Heaven save us from getting into its sight．
When you want to get rid of a dog， you take off his collar；—when the king wants to get rid of a minister， he give shim the collar—of the Order of the Annunziata．
The place where they ruin people's voices， and throw aside all the canons of art，is called the Conservatoire；and a hospital full of sick peopk is called a“house of health”（Casadi Salute）．
Among the many motives which induce me to stay away from the theatre is the utter absence of all motive in modernoperas．
How many old phrases are required to make a new electoral programme！
All musical notes may express cheerful ideas； it is only thenotes of creditors which arouse none but melancholy reflections．
I entered the shop of a pork butcher at the moment when his son， aged eight， was returning from school． The poor boy was weeping bitterly．
“The old story！”exclaimed his parent ；“I suppose you did not learn your lessons， and the master called you an ass， as you deserved！”
“Yes！” replied the child， sobbing，“he did call me an ass，—and then—”
“Well，—and then —what else？”
“He said，‘well， after all， it is no wonder—like father，like son！’”
“Did he，indeed？the animal！”exclaimed the porkbutcher．“And to think that perhaps he has not yet eaten the whole of those two sausages I sent him at Christmas！”
39．閑人遐思
“眠者不得魚”——但醒者壹生時時刻刻捕到的卻是螃蟹。
各種職業都可賴以為生——除了信仰的宣言。
觀看某些現代歌劇演出時，我忽然悟到，指揮之所以僅僅只是打拍子，是因為他打不著作曲者。
上天保佑我們別進入法律的視界，即使在法律看來人人平等。
妳不想要某條狗了，就取下它的領圈——當國王想擺脫某大臣，就給他戴上領飾——聖母瑪麗亞榮譽騎士團的領飾①。
毀壞人們的噪音並拋棄壹切藝術法規的地方叫作音樂學校（Conservatoire）；住滿病人的醫院則被稱為“健康之屋”（Casa di Salute）。
種種動機促使我躲開劇院，其中之壹就是因為現代歌劇完全沒有主題②。
得用多少老詞兒，才能編壹套新的選舉綱領！
所有的音符都能表達歡樂的思想；唯獨債權人的信函③喚起的全是憂愁的念頭。
我走進殺豬屠夫的鋪子，他八歲的兒子正好放學回家。
那可憐的孩子哭得好傷心。
“準又是老事重演！”他父親吼道，“我想壹定是妳沒記住功課，老師罵妳是蠢驢來著，妳也就配挨罵！”
“不錯，”孩子回答，壹邊抽泣著，“他確實叫我蠢驢來著，—然後—”
“然後——還有什麽？”
“他說，‘說來倒也不奇怪——有其父必有其子。’”
“他真這麽說了？那個畜生！”殺豬的大喊，“而且想想看，我過聖誕送他的整整兩大根肉腸只怕還並沒吃完呢！”
A Useful Lesson
In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar．
Mr． Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young． Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr．Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much． And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”
“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”
40．有益的教訓
在英國，十八歲以下的人不準進酒吧喝酒。
湯普森先生以前常常去他家附近的壹個酒吧喝酒，但他從來不帶他的兒子湯姆去，因為他年紀太小。後來，當湯姆年滿十八歲的時候，湯普森先生第壹次帶他去他常去的那家酒吧。他們喝了半個小時，而後，湯普森先生對他兒子說：“湯姆，現在我要告訴妳壹個有益的教訓。妳必須時時小心不要喝得太多。妳怎麽知道妳喝夠了呢？好，我來告訴妳。妳看見酒吧那頭有兩盞燈嗎？當那兩盞燈看起來變成四盞的時候，妳就喝夠了，應該回家了。
“可是，爸爸。”湯姆說：“在酒吧那頭我只能看見壹盞燈。”
The Country Squire
In a small pretty village in Notting ham shire there formerly lived a respectable Squire， who excelled all his friends in amusements athletic， and whose manner of living was far from ascetic． A wife he had taken for better or worse， whose temper had proved an intolerant curse；but at length， to his great and unspeakable joy， she died when presenting a fine little boy．Strange fancies men have；—the father designed to watch o’er the dawn of his son's youthful mind，—that，only approached by the masculine gender， no room should be left him for feelings more tender．“Had I ne’er seen a woman，” he often would sigh，“What Squire in the country so happy as I！” The boy was intelligent， active， and bright， and took in his studies uncommon delight；no juvenile follies distracted his mind； no visions of bright eyes， or damsels unkind， and those fair demisisterly beings so gay， yclept“pretty cousins， ne’erpopped in his way； till at length this remarkably singular son could number of years that had passed twenty one．”
Now the father had settled， his promising son should his studies conclude when he reached twenty one；and he went，with a heart beating high with emotion， to launch the young man on life's turbulent ocean．As they entered the town，a young maiden tripped by， with a cheek like a rose， and a lightlaughing eye．“O father， what's that？” cried the youth with delight， as this vision of loveliness burst on his sight．“O，that，” cried the cautious and politic Squire， who did not they outh's ardent glances admire，“is only a thing called a Goose，my dear son ；we shall see many more ere our visit is done．”
Blooming damsels now passed with their butter and cheese，whose beauty might even an anchorite please：“Merelygeese！” said the Squire，“don't mind them，my dear；thereare many things better worth looking at here．” As onwards they passed， every step brought to view some spectacle equally curious and new；and the joy of the youth hardly knew any bounds， at the roped ancers， tumblers， and merry gorounds．
As soon as the tour of the town was completed， the fatherre solved that the boy should be treated； so， pausing an instant，he said，“My dear son， a new era today in your life has begun；now of all this bright scene and the gayeties in it，choose whatever you like，it is yours from this minute．”“Choose whatever I like？” cried the jouthful recluse．“O， thank you，dear father， then give me—a goose！”
38．鄉紳
從前，在諾丁漢郡的壹個美麗的小村莊裏住著壹位可敬的紳士。他玩起體育競技遊戲來比所有的朋友都高強，過的日子絕不是苦行僧式的。不管是福是禍，他娶了個妻。結果她脾氣奇壞，成了個難以忍受的災星。終於，她在產下壹玲瓏佳兒後死去，鄉紳先生的萬分欣喜自是不可言傳。人不時會突發奇想。這位父親決定親自督察兒子年幼的頭腦的啟蒙，務必使他接觸的都是男性，絕不留下余地萌生更溫柔的感情。“倘我從不曾見過女人，”他常常嘆息道，“全國的鄉紳裏誰人能有我快活！”那男孩聰明、活潑而又通達事理，異常地喜歡學習。從不因小孩子的胡鬧而分心；從沒有明亮的眸子，或狠心的小妞，或被謂之“嫵媚表親”、半似姐妹的放肆尤物突然出現在他面前。到最後，這位非同尋常、出類拔萃的兒子終於度過了21個年頭。
父親決定，他的前途無量的兒子在21歲時應該結束學業。於是他滿心激動地帶領年輕人啟航進入洶湧的人生之海。當他們進城時，正有壹少女款款經過，腮如玫瑰，眼笑流波。“哦，父親，那是什麽？”當那可愛身影闖入他的眼簾時，年輕人快樂地喊道。“噢，那個，”謹慎而講究謀略的鄉紳根本不贊賞兒子熱烈的目光，於是大聲說，“不過區區壹笨鵝而已，我親愛的孩子，我們壹路還會見到很多的。”
攜奶油乳酪的如花少女絡繹而過，就是隱士也會被她們的美麗打動。“不過是些笨鵝！”鄉紳道，“我兒不必放在心上，此間有許多事物更值得壹觀呢。”他們繼續前行，每壹步都見到同樣新奇有趣的景象，年輕人看到走繩索的，翻斤鬥的，和旋轉木馬等等，其樂也無窮。
小城之行壹結束，父親就決定要款待兒子。於是，他停頓片刻後說，“我親愛的兒子，今日起妳的生活開始了壹個新的時期。現在，在所有這眩目景象及種種賞心樂事中，選出妳最喜愛的，妳立刻就能得到它。”“由我任意選擇？”年輕的隱居者大叫，“啊，謝謝妳了，父親，那就給我壹只笨鵝吧！”